What ever happened to I don't give a fuck what you think?

My birthday and New Year's are my two favorite holidays. My brithday is in August, so since it's sort of mid-way through the year, I look at both dates as moments to stop and reflect on my life in the past 5 or 7 months, depending. Am I doing what I want? Am I happy? Have I progressed? Mid-April is neither New Year's nor my birthday-tide, but I've been moving into a lifestyle that isn't something I can maintain without despising every cell in my body. And that's how I have been feeling for a while now, maybe since my brithday last year. Instead of dealing with it, I've buried it and lost it among the rubble of my self-destructive behavior. And now, looking around, I find that I don't like how I'm spending my time, I don't like myself, I don't like life. Time to stop numbing everything and deal. For some reason all I want to do is wear heels and skirts. So maybe I should.